A man who finds the expression ‘strong and stable’ sexually arousing has admitted that he’s really started to miss the General Election. Alan Hardon, an IT expert from Sunderland, has an unusual medical condition which means he is only able to reach climax after he’s heard the phrase ‘strong and stable’. Usually he finds this to be a ‘severe impediment’, but over the last few weeks due to the election campaign it’s been ‘absolutely fantastic’. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
Former Chancellor George Osborne has reportedly been struggling to buy shares in food banks on the London Stock Exchange. After being informed that the food bank sector has experienced ‘dramatic growth’ over the past few years, with a ‘significant increase’ in the number of branches, Osborne determined that this would be a sensible place to make an investment. 
Hard-line Brexit supporters have been urged to ‘get on and paint your passports blue’ if it ‘bothers you so bloody much’. The call, from sensible people across the UK, is in response to the campaign from some Brexit enthusiasts for Britain to readopt the old blue coloured passports after we leave the EU. 
The Labour Shadow Cabinet has admitted to locking party leader Jeremy Corbyn in a cupboard at Labour Party HQ, in a desperate attempt to increase his popularity. The confession was made in an email to Labour Party members signed by a majority of Shadow Cabinet members, which described the move as a ‘last ditched attempt’ to address Corbyn’s terrible poll ratings. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
It’s been revealed that former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone recently came last in his local pub quiz, at the Royal Oak in Islington, after answering ‘Hitler’ to all 50 questions asked. 
Prime Minister Theresa May has accused chocolate manufacturer Cadbury’s of promoting ‘heresy and sexual deviancy’ after the firm removed the word ‘Easter’ from its egg hunts. An infuriated May made the statement to journalists during a visit to Saudi Arabia, whose ‘friendly and tolerant’ attitude towards Christianity she compared favourably to Cadbury’s. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
It’s been revealed that the UK has infiltrated Spain with thousands of ‘sleeper cells’, which will be activated in the event of an Anglo-Spanish war. The revelation, made to The Spark by top British security sources, follows a warning from former Tory leader Michael Howard that if necessary Britain would go to war to protect the sovereignty of Gibraltar. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
The Daily Express newspaper has formally apologised to readers after ‘inadvertently’ publishing a story which turned out to be factually correct. Today’s edition of the paper included a piece which correctly claimed that unemployment in the Eurozone has dropped to an eight year low, trigging a flood of complaints from Daily Express readers. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon had admitted that, to her surprise, some English people are actually ‘alright when you get to know them’. Sturgeon made the comment during an interview with The Scotsman newspaper this morning. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
The Daily Mail newspaper has announced that it is continuing its anti-EU campaign by asking its readers to crowdfund the firing of ballistic missiles at Brussels. The revelation was made in today’s edition of the paper, with an editorial urging Daily Mail readers to give ‘as much as they can afford’ to a special missile purchasing fund.