The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has announced that he will forego involvement in football related violence during the six weeks of lent. 
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has announced that he will forego involvement in football related violence during the six weeks of lent. The announcement was made via a joint statement from the Church of England and the Chelsea Headhunters hooligan firm, of which the Archbishop is a member. 
 
The statement explained that the Archbishop had decided to ‘demonstrate his faith’ by giving up ‘the thing closest to his heart’ for this year’s lent. It noted that the sacrifice would be ‘difficult’ for the Archbishop, but that he was confident he could get through the period with the assistance of ‘prayer’ and ‘copious quantities of alcohol and tobacco’. 
 
The Archbishop has repeatedly spoken out about his love of football hooliganism, which he’s describe as a ‘wholesome’ hobby which is doing much to address the nations obesity crisis. During an interview last year he memorably commented that his ‘favourite thing in the world’ is ‘the fear in the eyes of a man who knows your about to beat the crap out of him’. 
 
Sources within the Chelsea Headhunters have admitted that the group is ‘concerned’ about the Archbishop’s temporary absence, and only sanctioned it ‘with extreme reluctance’. A senior Headhunters member told us that the group is ‘screwed’ without the Archbishop, and would probably get ‘badly done over by Millwall’ during the next few weeks. 
 
However the Metropolitan Police have responded more positively, with a senior figure telling The Spark that the Archbishop’s decision meant they could ‘at least delay’ serving him with a football banning order. 
Share this post: