The Labour Party has announced that it’s launching an armed wing in what analysists are interpreting as a final desperate attempt to remain politically relevant. The announcement was made in a video by a number of members of the Shadow Cabinet, clearly identifiable despite wearing balaclavas, which was posted on the Labour Party website on Thursday. 
In the video a masked figure, identified as Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell, admitted that due to its unpopularity the Labour Party could no longer hope to take power ‘via democratic means alone’. Instead the party’s new strategy is to achieve power via the ‘Armalite and the ballot box’ with a new paramilitary wing, the Provisional Labour Party (PLP), preparing to launch a campaign of armed struggle against the British state. 
 
Rumours that the Labour Party was planning to create an armed wing have been swirling around Westminster for months, ever since Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott was spotted touring the pubs of East London trying to swap signed copies of Jeremy Corbyn’s speeches for old revolvers. 
 
A Labour source informed us that armed operations against ‘enemies of the Labour Party’, which he defined as ‘around 85% of the British population’, would begin in the next few days. The source also insisted that Labour ‘absolutely hadn’t’ borrowed the idea from terrorist groups like Hamas and the IRA, which ‘senior Labour figures have absolutely never praised or defended despite videos, audio-recordings, newspaper reports, journal articles and confessions to the contrary’. 
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