It’s been revealed that the CIA has started using Alphabetti Spaghetti to give President Trump his intelligence briefings. The news was leaked to a number of media organisations by a ‘disgruntled White House employee’, which narrows it down to everybody who works in the White House, including the President, with one possible exception. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
It’s been revealed that President Trump’s aides are currently in the process of installing stair gates at the top of all White House staircases, in a measure designed to minimise the chances of him injuring himself. White House sources, speaking anonymously, told a number of newspapers that Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon has decided that stair gates need to be installed ‘as a matter of urgency’. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
There was diplomatic embarrassment after President Trump spent most of the joint press conference he held with German Chancellor Angela Merkel praising the Berlin Wall. Whilst Merkel winced Trump told the assembled journalists that the Germans had built ‘such an amazing wall, so great’ which had been ‘completely effective’ in stopping illegal immigration from Eastern Germany into Western Germany. 
President Trump has ordered a halt to American strikes on ISIS, claiming that beating the terrorist group is ‘too damn difficult’, and has instead ordered attacks on Swedish furniture chain IKEA. He has justified this decision on the grounds that the two groups ‘sound vaguely similar’. 
It’s been revealed that former US President Barack Obama now spends his time fighting crime in New York whilst dressed as a bat. 
America’s First Lady Melania Trump has reportedly started wondering if her husband, President Trump, ‘appreciates me for who I really am’ rather than just finding her physically attractive. 
It’s been reported that Chinese intelligence has stopped bothering to bug the White House on the basis that ‘Trump posts everything on Twitter anyway’. 
Actor and TV presenter Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he is resigning from his job hosting reality TV show The Apprentice, in order to ‘travel back in time and stop Donald Trump’. 
Donald Trump has reportedly been finding that he has a ‘lot less time to write poetry’ following his inauguration as American President. 
President Trump has admitted that the real reason he hates the press is that whilst he was at college ‘a journalist stole my girlfriend’.