President Trump announces new military campaign against IKEA
Posted on 13th March 2017 at 10:18
President Trump has ordered a halt to American strikes on ISIS, claiming that beating the terrorist group is ‘too damn difficult’, and has instead ordered attacks on Swedish furniture chain IKEA. He has justified this decision on the grounds that the two groups ‘sound vaguely similar’.
The President made the announcement this morning at a White House press conference. After individually insulting each journalist who attended, and making fat jokes about their mothers, Trump got down to business. He admitted that beating ISIS was turning out to be ‘pretty difficult’ as the group’s members keep running away, which Trump described as ‘totally unfair’.
Trump went on to explain that ‘detailed CIA analysis’ had concluded that it would be ‘considerable easier’ to destroy furniture chain IKEA, and that he’d ordered American forces to redeploy accordingly. The President added that military action against IKEA will commence within the next 24 hours, likely starting with a series of drone strikes targeting the companies stores in the US and worldwide. Trump went on to note that he’d ordered American forces to be ‘as tough as possible’ on IKEA, and has authorised the use of waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques on IKEA employees.
Defence analysists are split on the President’s decision. Some have claimed that it provides American forces with a ‘more realistic adversary’, whilst others have countered that it represents an ‘irrational response’ to the fact that it took Trump and his wife Melania three days to construct an IKEA wardrobe in 2007.
We contacted IKEA for comment, and received a response saying ‘you brought the product, it’s not our fault you can’t put it together’. Whilst not directly relevant to this case we understand this is the default IKEA response to all enquiries.
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