It’s been revealed that a number of European Union officials have finally stopped laughing for the first time since they first heard the result of the UK General Election. The result of the election triggered an outbreak of ‘near hysterical laughter’ across Brussels, which was only finally brought under control in the past 12 hours. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has told journalists that he thinks it would be ‘a really terrific idea’ for the various European nations to combine their strength in a ‘pan-European trading bloc’. Johnson made the surprise comments during a Foreign Office press conference, when he was supposed to be making a statement about relations with Saudi Arabia. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
A new study has found that, on average, people who blow themselves up for political causes have ‘significantly below average IQ’ and are ‘basically fucking idiots’. The study, which was released this morning, was conducted by a wide-ranging team of experts at University College London (UCL). 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
The Government of Gibraltar has insisted that it must receive ‘full sovereignty’ over the Kingdom of Spain as part of any Brexit deal. The announcement was made by Gibraltar’s First Minister, Fabian Picardo, at a press conference on Monday morning. 
A group of British tourists in Rome claim they were left ‘distraught and disappointed’ after finding that the Roman Colosseum no longer hosts human gladiator fights. The group, from Wakefield in Yorkshire, told local journalists that they had travelled to Rome with the ‘express intent’ of seeing real gladiator fights, and were ‘devastated’ to discover that this is no longer possible. 
The Swiss army has been declared the ‘safest employer in the world’ for the fourth year running by the International Organisation of Employers (IOE). 
It’s been revealed that women remain underrepresented amongst the leadership of the Afghan terrorist group the Taliban. 
Senior figures within the Canadian Government have admitted that they are ‘deeply concerned’ about sharing a border with the latest Russian client state, the United States of America. 
Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Lofven has responded to President Trump’s incorrect claim that a terrorist incident recently took place in his country by claiming that New York was ‘actually nuked last night’. 
The self-styled Islamic State, or ISIS, has admitted that it is having trouble obtaining membership of FIFA, the football world governing body.